Monday, 24 September 2012
Pete Beale's Ordeal Over Real Sex Tape Deal,
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Sunday, 23 September 2012
Pete Beale's Surreal Banana Peel Heel!
By Ron Awaye-Nigh (who is getting more Irish sounding even for him -Ed)
Today sad news was announced that Actor and singer Peter(the pete)Beale had contracted a rare fruit based illness in his left and right foot/feet.
The disease metatarsalbananaours nicknamed "fruity feet" by the press after Pete Beales heart wrenching public out pouring .
the former ALBION MARKET actor gave a press conference yesterday in the hope of bringing the disease to public attention.
After calling the worlds media to order Pete explained why he had decided to show the world his yellow plates in the hope that other sufferers would take comfort and or laughter from his plight.
Pete started and finished his statement with this pre prepared press piece which he had pre prepared.
" Ladies and Gentlemen i'm Pete Beale ,
There's something that i can't conceal "
" I'm going through a real ordeal
My heel has turned to banana peel"
After this poetic outburst Pete put his feet on the table and showed the assembled press packers his feet.
they were as yellow as a canary or indeed the aforementioned Banana .
Pete also showed us all how difficult his day to day life was by slipping and sliding his way out of the building banging his body and head on walls and furniture and narrowly missing his bus outside.
The B.B.C have put his Eastenders renegotiations on hold as they have a very stringent policy on fruit ,feet and contracts for Pete.
After the press conference the world of Showbiz was quick to show solidarity, sympathy and contempt for Pete's plight in equal messure.
The former POLICE front man STUNG was first to send a crymail to Pete's charity fyffesfeet.com swiftly followed by DES O CONNOR and BARRY DAVIES offering to peel the toes if it helped .
Not all messages were in support of Pete .Only foolish horses actor Nicholas Lymhurst wrote on TWITTER that
"i would rather hear les dennis fart than hear another word about petes feet ...yellow or not #letslaughatthebananaboysfeet ".
Others were less kind ,shitehouse director Michael Winnger added on his BEBO " blood i can hear dem sirens coming ...to take beals manky fruit feet away lol #bealnoffeepiesucks "
We contacted Masterchef shouting expert Gregg Wally about the phenomenon of what is known as "del monte foot disease"
but he didn't have a danny mate and told us to sling our hoooks.
We also tried to speak to leading foot experts Dr Scholl ,Dr Martin and of course Michael Foot M.P but they were all dead
or very good at keeping still.
PROOF IF PROOF WERE NEEDED.
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Magical!
Trev at his best... believe!
Trev for the beginner
Approach with extreme caution!
10 hours of Trev, for the more advanced space cadet!
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Trev for the beginner
Approach with extreme caution!
10 hours of Trev, for the more advanced space cadet!
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Location:Inside
Massive CUNT breaks after serious pounding!
Hugely obese 'Corporate Unionist Nigel Trowley' finally gave his secret away yesterday after an hour long interrogation by a little old lady in Bournemouth! Trowley (ex- bouncer for Secrets lap dancing club in Hendon) turned all socialist after being short changed in one of them corner shops before becoming the lead spokesman for W.A.N.K.E.R.S until his death some time towards the end of his life!
'Women And Nuisances Knowingling Earbashing Reliable Spouses' were first brought to the public eye a few seconds ago when I thought it up but since then have gone on to make a name for themselves something akin to the like of Peter Dean or that big arsed Kim Cardamomseed thing that bonks blokes with tattoos of battered exes on their necks! Or so I'm told.
The old lady in question was so riled by Trowleys attitude towards her wally-trolley being double parked on a yellow outside the local Wetherspoons in Brent Cross that she felt it was time and I quote 'some shitter knocked that ponce of his throne'! In an altercation the local press is describing as 'laughable' the old lady (who cannot be named as I can't be arsed) launched an attack on Trowley that even legendary Jennifer Garner off of Alias would've made a fudge nugget at!
Trowley was said to have pointed out several plot holes in the old bags behaviour, including the Bournemouth connection which is nowhere near the Finchley Road! At this she decided to strike, one onlooker said 'what?, I'm just getting some chips for Lisa before Downton starts cos I might get a blowy outta this'.
At 9.48 p.m last Tuesday (or thereabouts) Dorothy Laverne (the aforementioned old lady who now has a name) asked Trowley outright 'so then, what's your secret'? At this Trowley is said to have wet himself before revealing all!
Due to an injunction and something about Twitter rules and shit we can't tell you anything of any substance about this story but something definitely happened to someone once somewhere... allegedly!
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
'Women And Nuisances Knowingling Earbashing Reliable Spouses' were first brought to the public eye a few seconds ago when I thought it up but since then have gone on to make a name for themselves something akin to the like of Peter Dean or that big arsed Kim Cardamomseed thing that bonks blokes with tattoos of battered exes on their necks! Or so I'm told.
The old lady in question was so riled by Trowleys attitude towards her wally-trolley being double parked on a yellow outside the local Wetherspoons in Brent Cross that she felt it was time and I quote 'some shitter knocked that ponce of his throne'! In an altercation the local press is describing as 'laughable' the old lady (who cannot be named as I can't be arsed) launched an attack on Trowley that even legendary Jennifer Garner off of Alias would've made a fudge nugget at!
Trowley was said to have pointed out several plot holes in the old bags behaviour, including the Bournemouth connection which is nowhere near the Finchley Road! At this she decided to strike, one onlooker said 'what?, I'm just getting some chips for Lisa before Downton starts cos I might get a blowy outta this'.
At 9.48 p.m last Tuesday (or thereabouts) Dorothy Laverne (the aforementioned old lady who now has a name) asked Trowley outright 'so then, what's your secret'? At this Trowley is said to have wet himself before revealing all!
Due to an injunction and something about Twitter rules and shit we can't tell you anything of any substance about this story but something definitely happened to someone once somewhere... allegedly!
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Location:Inside
Pete Beale's Scars With Seal Won't Heal!
***Another EXCLUSIVE from our man on the ground Ron Awaye-Nowe***
Today actor,playboy and all round nice guy Pete(can't be beat)Beale reopened a can of seal shaped worms by repeating his outlandish claims he could amongst other things SING better than the grammy nominated scarfaced crazy singer SEAL .
Pete and his best friend Dave(dougrocket)Stewpot issued a confusing but intriguing press release yesterday stating that
1. Pete Beale is a better singer than SEAL .
2. Pete Beale had more potential fans than ELVIS .
3.That Dave and Pete were the brains behind Austrailian supergroup MENTAL AS ANYTHING and that they wrote and played there number 1 smash LIVE IT UP throughout the 1980's under fake names and faces .
4.that Michael Barrymore was a victim of the C.I.A and that Pete could sing better than ANY kind of his people. and that
5.Michael Jackson is ALIVE but not well and Pete can SING and DANCE better than the formally drug addled deceased king of popular music.
OUTBURST
The bizzare press release caused shockwaves throughout the music world with artist's clammering to deny the fantastic claims made by Pete and Dave.
SEAL has released several pictures of the enviroment dying to his followers on TWITTER in what is thought to be a direct retaliation to the press release. he also has been rumered to be writing new material for an album of soft rock with lots of singing on it thought to be called FUCK U PETE vol 1 which is seen by some as a repost to both pete and young david.
The SUPERGROUP Mental as anything have been made to come out of hiding to rebuff the allegations made by Beale & Stewpot after 3 people called the no 3 Austrailian t.v breakfast show GOOD MORNING BUTT to complain about previous peformances of the song.
The group went on the live show to call Pete a lier and they played there only hit 7 times to prove it wasn't a Pete beale original.
The estate of the late great singer, actor and cheeseburger hunter ELVIS peanutbutterPRESSLEY wouldn't comment until they had seen Pete's Facebook friends count and heard him sing .
We tried to confirm the outrageous claims with Pete and or Dave(BEEF)Stewpot at there London based office in Bristol .
FOR GODS SAKE
When asked why make these claims now and if there would be a single released soon pete said
"i've got a voice which is better than anyone and Dave has 3 synthesiser's in his garage so we recon it's our DUTY to write music better than the soft rock rubbish that Elvis or Tupac are putting out "
Dave added " we can be the next 2UNLIMITED or HADDAWAY and Pete can sing better than FERGAL SHARKEY or the bloke out of KAJAGOOGOO no fear so i recon that BIGGIE SMALLS and LENNY KRAVITZ can get lost if we upset them "
After some investigating by our fearless reporter we found the address where Dave's elderly mother lives.
After liberating the lock on the garage our reporterfound there was no signs of any music being released by the SEAL bateing duo just some casio keyboards and many old tins of paint.
This publication contacted music guru PETE WATERBOATMAN owner of the Jason Donavan back catalogue to get a quote and he said Pete Beale was fictional and that he had a lot to do with his trains and whatnot.
When we contacted x factor and zig and zag populariser Simon Cowell about this he asked who we were and how we got the number then hung up .
PROOF IF PROOF WERE NEEDED
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Today actor,playboy and all round nice guy Pete(can't be beat)Beale reopened a can of seal shaped worms by repeating his outlandish claims he could amongst other things SING better than the grammy nominated scarfaced crazy singer SEAL .
Pete and his best friend Dave(dougrocket)Stewpot issued a confusing but intriguing press release yesterday stating that
1. Pete Beale is a better singer than SEAL .
2. Pete Beale had more potential fans than ELVIS .
3.That Dave and Pete were the brains behind Austrailian supergroup MENTAL AS ANYTHING and that they wrote and played there number 1 smash LIVE IT UP throughout the 1980's under fake names and faces .
4.that Michael Barrymore was a victim of the C.I.A and that Pete could sing better than ANY kind of his people. and that
5.Michael Jackson is ALIVE but not well and Pete can SING and DANCE better than the formally drug addled deceased king of popular music.
OUTBURST
The bizzare press release caused shockwaves throughout the music world with artist's clammering to deny the fantastic claims made by Pete and Dave.
SEAL has released several pictures of the enviroment dying to his followers on TWITTER in what is thought to be a direct retaliation to the press release. he also has been rumered to be writing new material for an album of soft rock with lots of singing on it thought to be called FUCK U PETE vol 1 which is seen by some as a repost to both pete and young david.
The SUPERGROUP Mental as anything have been made to come out of hiding to rebuff the allegations made by Beale & Stewpot after 3 people called the no 3 Austrailian t.v breakfast show GOOD MORNING BUTT to complain about previous peformances of the song.
The group went on the live show to call Pete a lier and they played there only hit 7 times to prove it wasn't a Pete beale original.
The estate of the late great singer, actor and cheeseburger hunter ELVIS peanutbutterPRESSLEY wouldn't comment until they had seen Pete's Facebook friends count and heard him sing .
We tried to confirm the outrageous claims with Pete and or Dave(BEEF)Stewpot at there London based office in Bristol .
FOR GODS SAKE
When asked why make these claims now and if there would be a single released soon pete said
"i've got a voice which is better than anyone and Dave has 3 synthesiser's in his garage so we recon it's our DUTY to write music better than the soft rock rubbish that Elvis or Tupac are putting out "
Dave added " we can be the next 2UNLIMITED or HADDAWAY and Pete can sing better than FERGAL SHARKEY or the bloke out of KAJAGOOGOO no fear so i recon that BIGGIE SMALLS and LENNY KRAVITZ can get lost if we upset them "
After some investigating by our fearless reporter we found the address where Dave's elderly mother lives.
After liberating the lock on the garage our reporterfound there was no signs of any music being released by the SEAL bateing duo just some casio keyboards and many old tins of paint.
This publication contacted music guru PETE WATERBOATMAN owner of the Jason Donavan back catalogue to get a quote and he said Pete Beale was fictional and that he had a lot to do with his trains and whatnot.
When we contacted x factor and zig and zag populariser Simon Cowell about this he asked who we were and how we got the number then hung up .
PROOF IF PROOF WERE NEEDED
- All of the above is probably true but then it might not be or summink! FACT!
Location:Outside
Saturday, 22 September 2012
Pete Beale Heals Weils
EXCLUSIVE by Ron Awaye-Nowe
Former Eastender PETE the real deal BEALE has shocked the world with his announcement that he has discovered a cure for the river dwellers nightmare Weils disease.
The formerly dead barra boy from the fictional town of Walford has created a vaccine which destroys the disease at it's geno stage .
Weil's disease is the acute human form of a bacterial infection with a raft of different names: mud fever, swamp fever,walford wet toe, haemorrhagic jaundice, swineherd's disease, bridge street flu and sewerman's flu. All are known as Leptospirosis, mild cases of which affect millions of people every year worldwide.
A cure has been in development for many years but no one had thought it was possible until the former Eastender made his stunning press release to an assembled press pack from the worlds press.
The cure was discovered by Pete at the University of Alberta, in Edmonton, North London. The cure uses a dichloroacetate, a simple drug used to treat metabolic disorders.Pete found that if he added this with chickens gizards to his off cuts of veg he could warn off any animal urine based disease with ease.
We asked Pete if the product worked and if there were any side effects ?
Pete said "Because it's so simple, it has no side effects and also requires no skill to prepare thank god ,it's just the old shit i don't want
Therefore it's relatively cheap for me to produce and will actually cure weils rather than warding it off"
When asked if he had confused the word actually with the word might Pete refused to comment. We asked if this would be availible on the NHS but Pete had got into someone else's cab and gone home.
Pete Beale also put out full page ads in all the major papers around the world .
The ads include full-page advertisements in Walford Street Journal and in Thai daily newspapers.
In response Doctors from the tv show Doctors have put out counter ads.
The ads claim generic versions of pete beale drugs are not as effective and they cite a study that shows those results.
The only problem, according to a Doctor from the tv show doctors , is that the study was never done and the results are allegedly falsified. The ad claims that locally made anti-retroviral beales weils drugs produce an unacceptable resistance rate of up to 58% (a likelihood of 58% dying with such drugs), citing a study carried out by up west University, Walfords premier medical school. In reality, Walford University never carried any such study, while a study carried out by another well known hospital, General Hospital, showed a better drug resistance rate, only 14%.
We tried to put our findings to the B.B.C but they assured me that Pete beale was fictional and so were his wonder drugs unfortunately.
- All of the above is probably true if you are prepared to believe that fairies live at the bottom of your garden... bless!
Former Eastender PETE the real deal BEALE has shocked the world with his announcement that he has discovered a cure for the river dwellers nightmare Weils disease.
The formerly dead barra boy from the fictional town of Walford has created a vaccine which destroys the disease at it's geno stage .
Weil's disease is the acute human form of a bacterial infection with a raft of different names: mud fever, swamp fever,walford wet toe, haemorrhagic jaundice, swineherd's disease, bridge street flu and sewerman's flu. All are known as Leptospirosis, mild cases of which affect millions of people every year worldwide.
A cure has been in development for many years but no one had thought it was possible until the former Eastender made his stunning press release to an assembled press pack from the worlds press.
The cure was discovered by Pete at the University of Alberta, in Edmonton, North London. The cure uses a dichloroacetate, a simple drug used to treat metabolic disorders.Pete found that if he added this with chickens gizards to his off cuts of veg he could warn off any animal urine based disease with ease.
We asked Pete if the product worked and if there were any side effects ?
Pete said "Because it's so simple, it has no side effects and also requires no skill to prepare thank god ,it's just the old shit i don't want
Therefore it's relatively cheap for me to produce and will actually cure weils rather than warding it off"
When asked if he had confused the word actually with the word might Pete refused to comment. We asked if this would be availible on the NHS but Pete had got into someone else's cab and gone home.
Pete Beale also put out full page ads in all the major papers around the world .
The ads include full-page advertisements in Walford Street Journal and in Thai daily newspapers.
In response Doctors from the tv show Doctors have put out counter ads.
The ads claim generic versions of pete beale drugs are not as effective and they cite a study that shows those results.
The only problem, according to a Doctor from the tv show doctors , is that the study was never done and the results are allegedly falsified. The ad claims that locally made anti-retroviral beales weils drugs produce an unacceptable resistance rate of up to 58% (a likelihood of 58% dying with such drugs), citing a study carried out by up west University, Walfords premier medical school. In reality, Walford University never carried any such study, while a study carried out by another well known hospital, General Hospital, showed a better drug resistance rate, only 14%.
We tried to put our findings to the B.B.C but they assured me that Pete beale was fictional and so were his wonder drugs unfortunately.
- All of the above is probably true if you are prepared to believe that fairies live at the bottom of your garden... bless!
Location:Outside
Old Eastender Lender Puzzles BBC with his agenda
by Ron Awaye-nowe
A number of actors from the B.B.C show EASTENDERS have complained that they have been extorted by a loan shark who used to work on the show .
An unnamed source has leaked documents from the Eastenders set which show that many of the shows stars are being forced to invest in a fake saving and loan scheme being run by former Eastender's actor Peter "PETE" Beale .
The scheme which has netted Pete Beale in the region of 1 million pounds to date has been linked with terrorists and pirates and neer do well characters and is being investigated by Walford Police.
The scheme was founded in the 1980's during the height of Pete's fame .
His T.V son Adam "mealdeal" Beale played by actor Ian Woolhat said " Dad would go round the cast at lunchtime and lend a quid here a quid there and then he would charge 1000% interest and take them to the cleaners on payday , It happened every Monday ,Tuesday and Thursday and after many years he added Fridays as well.
" i saw him take a thousand pound off Dot for a four quid loan and then take three hundred pound off Den after he bought him a pint ".
Asked how this would happen Adam added " Dad was on a quest for coin, it was never ending ,after people got wise to his lending tricks they would decline his offers of a loan but Dad was prepared to do anything for money . Dad would talk cockney until you gave him some money, most would pay straight away not wanting to engage in cockney banter for a single second but some of the new people tried to ignore Dad like Shane "daz" Richtea he tried to out cockney dad , BIG MISTAKE everytime dad offered some money as a loan Richtea would laugh and pretend to punch dad in the stomach in a fake cockney way sometimes adding "GERTCHA" at the end of a sentence but this made my Dad MORE cockney and more hungry for small change that wasn't his"
Asked if Pete ever used violence or fruit and or veg to threaten the cast Adam added as Ian
"He would have with Shane Richtea, he hated him, he used to get very angry because Shane would never take a loan, no matter what Dad did or said Shane would laugh like a drain then say random Chaz and Dave lyrics , Dad loved him for that but he would always tire after an hour or two as dad's cockney poncing was tedious in the extreme".
"you see Richtea wasn't real cockney not like dad wasn't and Richtea would always put some coin in my dad's pocket if only to get away from the sound of Dad's electronic pocket Bow bells and so he could learn his lines and stuff".
Beale's behaviour only came to light when modern day Eastender's such as Billy Mitchell and Kat slater complained to bosses about Pete hanging around outside the cafe harassing people with his cockney wit and charmless banter in the hope of getting some coin.
the B.B.C have issued a statement saying they know nothing of this and that the beales are and always have been fictional .
When we tried to talk to Pete he said he was only visting his son Ian and would never take a penny off anyone.
He then called us slaggggs and told us to clear off .
We contacted former Queen Vic landlord Eddie Royal about the scandal but he was dead .
Proof if proof were needed
- All of the above is probably true if you are prepared to believe that fairies live at the bottom of your garden... bless!
Location:Outside
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